Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
