You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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