Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
