I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
