I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
