I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
