Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
