hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
