Pants 0. Shit 1.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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