the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize