Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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