I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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