On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
