I just pynch a tree in the face
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
