I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
