I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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