oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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