Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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