I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
