After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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