Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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