I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
