I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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