I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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