i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
