That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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