I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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