Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
