be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
