I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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