FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
