The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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