My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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