Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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