ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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