Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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