apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
