This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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