i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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