Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm bleeding and have questions
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
