mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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