9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
