I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
