Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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