woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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