I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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