your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
