i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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