Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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