I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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