the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
