The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
And then he peed in my hair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
