Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
