Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Two words: blizzard sex
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
