I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
