I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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